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You Only Live Once

Rodin's works at NCMA

   You Only Live Once (YOLO) - this is the dilemma I have been having for so long.  I love planning, setting goals, and working somewhat hard to achieve my goals in every way possible (although how life works is funny as I wrote in the first post and things do not go as planned).  So you might think that YOLO is not my identity...

   I spent my college years prepping myself to become an economist - I double majored in math even if I didn't love math and took Ph.D. level core courses, so my application would look good.  I got into grad school with full funding, and I thought I cleared the first step of becoming a professional economist.  But, oh well, I had a rough first year in grad school - my beloved uncle, whom I considered a brother to me, suddenly passed away in the fall, and my grandma, whom I regarded as my second-mother, got sick with terminal cancer within a few months.  I seriously thought about taking a leave of absence in spring to be with my family, but I didn't do it because my grandma wanted me to stay in school.  At the end of the school year, I got into a hit-and-run car accident and could not properly finish my first year (and I ended up taking a medical leave of absence a year later).  From that moment, I have started thinking a lot about life and death.  Death can happen at any time.  How should I live so I won't regret it at my last minute on earth?  Shouldn't I enjoy my every day more if I experienced near-death moments already several times in my life? 

   I currently have a tibial plateau fracture and recently had two surgeries.  I am homebound these days and feeling deeply frustrated most of the time.  I like walking around and traveling.  I love going to museums and concerts to be inspired.  I love going to coffee shops and studying/working with crowds.  I can't do any of them these days.  Suddenly, I have lots of free time on my hands that I always wanted to have before, but I am feeling sick and tired much of my time due to the injury and recovery, so can't do most of the things from my "free time to-do list" - well, my pain became bit better so I can finally read books.  We live only once - but I feel like I am wasting my time away at home.  I had to cancel two trips due to the injury and surgeries, and I desperately want to travel these days - being at home with pain makes me feel so trapped.  Should I pull the YOLO card, take chances, and go flying?  The risks are getting a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) and lung/heart/brain embolism... so I definitely do not want to take the risks.  I have my second post-op appointment in a week, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. 

   Robert (my husband) and I had many discussions and sometimes arguments over this YOLO topic.  I am more risk-averse than he is, but regarding this topic - he does not want to take risks that can deter his future goals.  I agree with him on most days, but I do not fully agree with him on the days when I am having lots of pain - which can be both/either physical pain and/or psychological pain.  I hope to become a better person through my injury and recovery process.  Still, it is tough to overcome the current problems when I am in the middle of it - however, I know that YOLO is not the answer to everything yet in my life.  Because I survived challenges and adversity, and yet we do only live once, I want to enjoy this one life little by little as long as I can.

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