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| cascara fizz tea, not lemonade 🍋 |
I started to use art as a reflection tool and a place to escape from a brutal yet mundane life since my time in econ grad school. My Ph.D. program put lots of emphasis on dry theories, which I knew before applying to the program (and I thought I could handle), but I always had been more interested in the applied and practical fields of economics. A few professors made insensitive comments about their research, such as, "I write my theories as I write a novel. The only difference is the language I am using. I am using mathematics and statistics as my language." (OK, so far, so good.) "Like fantasy novels, I don't think my theory and research need to reflect the real world." This is a quote from a professor who studies public finance - isn't it scary that this theory, made by someone who does not care about the real world, can be used to model our tax and social security system? I started to see a considerable gap between what I study and what I can use to change the world to become a better place. I had a tough time motivating myself in the PhD program, in addition to dealing with deaths in my family and aftermaths of my hit-and-run car accident. Since then, I have started visiting art galleries and museums to feel the connection between myself and the real world. Things in our lives don't have to be all optimized and made of numbers and statistics to be right. Anything can be right and acceptable in the arts.
I have been working on research that studies what arts integration and arts in education can do to people and society since 2016 because I believe in its effectiveness and power. However, from the conversation with my co-author about her daughter today, I realized that I am not letting art be fully integrated into my life. Her daughter, who is in the 3rd grade, uses art as a method for exploring her inner values and thoughts. She is not afraid of making modifications to her original concepts according to different materials and tools that are given to her on occasion. She is aware of the fact that how she feels emotionally and physically at the moment will affect her outcome because she wants to explore and express how she feels. I understand that it is natural to feel discouraged when we are off-course whether it is due to accident or failure, I am still not good at "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." If I want to be a real artist, then I should let my creativity lead my life and make modifications when I cannot stick with my dreams and goals. I made a significant alteration from my previous life by going back to school to pursue my new passion for working in the healthcare field. After realizing my life has been on a winding road, souvenirs from my past (and love & support from Robert) helped and inspired me to change my career perspective. However, my life is at a big pause now due to my leg injury again, and I am not sure I am making enough lemonade from my fully stocked lemon storage. I will remember how I have felt and what I have thought during the recovery and make sure to use them as my inspiration for my future "artworks."
Speaking of lemonade I made today - I just finished reading "The Woman in the Window" by A. J. Finn. (It will be released as a movie starring Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, and Julianne Moore next year.) I usually do not choose fiction to read unless it is classic. Still, I got interested in this book because the main character, Dr. Anna Fox, has agoraphobia with other mental issues and cannot leave her home. I could relate to her a bit because I am currently afraid of leaving home by myself due to having a high fall risk and also dealing with depressive thoughts. There are several twists (and traumatic events that Dr. Fox would want to avoid if she could) in the story so that I won't reveal them here, but after all, her compassion leads her to the next step in her life. I read this book purely for leisure, but it was more than just a leisure reading. Again another lesson for "expect nothing and appreciate everything," which I often forget, especially with my tibial plateau fracture. I need to make more lemonade!
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